I was invited to a dinner where the host was very enthusiastic about wine. I know nothing about wine, so I tried to message my roommate for emergency advice. I wrote: "My plan is to nod slowly, say it tastes oaky, and hope nobody asks a follow-up question." I sent it to the host. They did not respond, which was worse than any response. When I arrived, every bottle had a handwritten label. One said "Extremely Oaky, No Follow-Up Questions." Another said "Hints of Panic and Poor Contact Selection." During dinner, the host poured me grape juice in a proper wine glass and asked me to describe the finish. I said it was confident but forgiving. Everyone applauded. I still cannot identify a single grape variety, but I now check the recipient three times before pretending to understand one.